Do you know the heavy feeling in your body? Itās like your weight is a thousand kilos, and your entire body is numb, you canāt feel your legs, and your mind just starts to overwork itself because there isnāt a way out of this situation.
If you know this feeling, you have either been in some deep unsolvable problems, or you had a nasty accident. Either way, Iām glad youāve overcome it and are now reading this.
There I was, in my bed, opening one message after the other. They were really bad messages from my friends, my family, and even some people from the company I worked at, but there were also many of them from numbers I didnāt have in my phonebook. Some of the messages had a link in them, it was a link leading to a public forum where a video of me was posted. In this video, I was being violently fucked by Samer, my face was clearly visible and I was being spanked hard by him, spat on and called a bitch, a faggot and a Muslim cumdump. His face was, however, not visible. The forum post contained my name and my mobile phone number as well.
This was also the first time I experienced a panic attack. I will not go deeper into the feelings about this, but I will tell you that a feeling such as this stays in you forever. It is a feeling of your life vanishing in front of your life, and you canāt do anything to stop it.
I have turned off the phone and went online on my PC, it seemed like it was the only place nobody could see my online presence at this point. I opened the forum and read the comments, refreshing the site every couple of seconds. The comments were pouring in at the speed of light, some of them were āfunnyā, while others were just horrible. It is not every day that you get judged just by your appearance and itās not also every day that you get your sexlife public in such a graphic manner. I felt, well, violated. Believe it or not, the question or better yet, a conclusion, of who (could) have done it came a bit later, actually as soon as the forum post got deleted by the moderator. It was online for 4 hours and I was watching it gain traction and get deleted too. For me, there really wasnāt any doubt on who could have done it. There is no way that a sex tape could be made by someone else then one or both people who were in it. And since Iāve never recorded anything like it in my life, it would only make sense that Samer did it. Reflecting on the fact that I could actually vaguely remember the sex session that was recorded, I knew that it was recorded just a few weeks before the āmarriage thingā and our breakup.
Iāve felt disappointed and scared. Sure, the forum post was deleted, but can anything posted online ever really be deleted? And could all of the people who were calling or messaging me unsee the video? No. There is no going back anymore. I started to realize that my parents are probably going to find out about this. I was hoping they at least wonāt have to see it. As if this could be a better deal for them or for meā¦
š¹ ENJOY SOME FREE CAMS
The next morning Iāve turned my phone on again. The number of messages was insane, and I just couldnāt force myself to open any of them yet. However, I texted my boss telling her I wonāt be able to make it to work, and she literally told me that the company is putting me at āholdā until my contract expires, so I wonāt have to show up to work ever again, and my contract wonāt be extended.
Iāve called my parents, but neither of them picked up the phone.
Iāve called Hassan as well, and told him what happened. He had no idea.
There wasnāt much I could do at that point in my life. I was thinking, could I even go grocery shopping anymore? I have stayed in my apartment for a couple of days just ordering takeout food and avoiding any source of communication. My parents eventually called me back just to tell me that Iām not going to be welcome to their home ever again. It was actually a very polite, yet devastating conversation.
Then the police knocked on the doors, asking if any of this was my doing, if I knew it was being recorded and if I knew who would post this video online like this. As wrecked as I was, I didnāt tell them who it was. I never even told them who the sexual partner from the video was. My telling them that I donāt remember who it was just made them even more comfortable to look and talk to me like Iām the most promiscuous, fugly and disgusting whore.
There are many hours missing from my days, some days are missing from my memory completely. After a week or so, the messages stopped and the calls stopped as well. People got bored of me not answering or giving any sort of reaction to their bullshit. Hassan called every day though, wanting to visit me and getting constantly rejected by me. Some days he even came to my doors and left some necessities in on the doorstep. My other, older friends never bothered to do that.
But life seemed pointless at that point so after the initial storm calmed down, Iāve decided to dress some baggy clothes, put a cap and go for the evening service at the church, talk to the priest Iāve known since I was a child. When I arrived there, I went directly for the confession booth and waited for the service to end. The priest came into the booth and Iāve started to talk to him about what happened. As soon as he realized who I was, he asked me to leave, telling me it was not a good idea to be there and that there is nothing that he can do for me. That evening, while on my way home, Iāve stopped at the tools shop and bought a thick rope so I could hang myself later. I came home and found a letter on my doorstep.
āYour body might have been violated and your soul crushed, your pride destroyed and your life changed. But you were and forever will be one of the kindest people Iāve ever met. Please, letās meet. I really want to be there for you.
Love,
Hassanā
All this time I didnāt cry about any of the horrible things that have happened, but the physical letter, a kindness from a person that has been in my life for the shortest period, this is what made me tear up and really burst into tears.
I have played with fire, and it was stupid of me to think I could come out of it without a burn. All of the signs, I have ignored them or Iāve translated them to something meaningful, something I could cope with. The truth was, Samer was always a guy whoād go to long lengths just to prove a point and control my life. This time he went even further by proving me that I have zero power of what happens to me. But what Samer forgot all about is the kindness of a stranger that comes when itās most unexpected, when youāre at your worst place in life. The same kindness Iāve shown him at the beginning of our relationship, and the kindness he took for granted and disregarded was now being shown to me by the guy that Iāve done a great injustice to, whoās kindness I considered boring and whom Iāve rejected at one point in my life.
Itās funny how life works, most of the time you get a full circle that closes on you. Most of the times you are not aware that itās even happening. Some circles close and they donāt really make a noise, because theyāre insignificant or small. But the bigger ones make a huge impact and when they do, they really make you reconsider your choices and your behavior.
If youāve thought this story had a happy ending, or that this chapter is going to be about me getting double dicked, youāve obviously either lived a happy life or you havenāt lived through any real situation in life. You might ask why didnāt I report Samer when I had the chance, as it would be a logical thing to do.
Destruction is an interesting thing. Sometimes it is just that: destroying things and watching them collapse. But most of the time, destruction means that you hold something so dear, so valuable, that youād rather destroy it completely then let others have it. Thatās why they say that in love and war everything is allowed.
Does the story end here? No, because I didnāt kill myself, obviously! The characters from this story have marked my life forever and they will because of it always be a part of my future.
It is just the end of an era, the end of a chapter in life, the end of The Life of Giving.