For the purpose of this text, and because it is a polite thing to do, let me introduce myself as Kyle. Kyle isn’t my real name, though, but it is a name that makes me able to tell you more about me because it creates a distance versus my real life situation.

I am a white Frenchman well in my thirties still living in France, and I identify as a heterosexual. I am also married to a woman and have children. I have friends and colleagues of different nationalities, ethnicities and cultures. During my teen years or later, I have never experienced being aroused by a man or even seeing a man with any interest other than a friendly relationship. That being said, I was also never “scared” of gay men, as most of my other heterosexual friends and I have had gay friends my whole life. 

Having gay friends, more topics tend to arise during the conversations, most of them one would never encounter on his own; and it raises a lot of questions in a person. I am of a curious and visual mind. When you talk to me, I always imagine the situation visually and that makes me relate to my friends much better. So, of course that sometimes I would listen to stories of relationships or sexual encounters that my gay friends had and I would, very briefly imagine these situations visually in my mind. These situations never did anything for me as well – sexually speaking. I have often wondered is being gay exactly the same as being straight; and is this attraction to men something that just exists from day one in them as my heterosexuality existed in myself.

I have always had a thing for black women. I am not proud to say that, but I often found myself attracted to them more than to white women, and would always watch ebony porn. That is how, somehow, I landed on Muslim porn, then on gay porn of similar topic and on this website as well. To me, it was very interesting to see people being into it and a whole entire subculture existing that nobody (at least not me) has known of.

The whole thing made me kind of aroused. I was thinking about, visualising, and seeing white men, not much different than myself, being buttfucked by mostly hairy, wild-looking, intense men. I wondered what makes a person take that direction and where was the pleasure in all of this. I realised that it is not much different than my fetish of black women. But the whole thing was still arousing me. In my mind, I put myself and my ass available to men such as ones I was seeing, and it made me want to try it. The thought of a man fetishising myself was intriguing. 

I haven’t always been a faithful husband and that is why it was probably easier for me to take that step and try it out in real life. 

My gay friends always visited gay saunas and always had some crazy experiences there, so I thought I could go there once and se if I feel comfortable there and if I could find a man there that would satisfy my curiosity.

A few weeks have passed since that thought; I have changed my mind multiple times and then back again, and it went on indefinitely. I found a time slot in my day where I could actually go to the sauna unnoticed and finally decided to take that final step. As soon as I walked into the sauna, it felt weird to me. I didn’t really want to be there anymore as the visitors there were not really what I have expected. There were a lot of older white French dudes and a few younger guys that were very effeminate. I also saw some of them having sex in the open rooms and there were a few “gooey” puddles here and there. 

It all looked just so dirty to me, and as I was actually decisive to go out of there, a really good looking Arab-looking guy walked past me giving me a weird kind of raw look. As I was quite sure that I will never visit this place again, I thought to myself that now is the time to either try it or fuck off out of there. The Arab-looking guy was obviously up for it. And so I turned around and followed him to what looked like a massage room. He was obviously hard and as dropped his towel, I could see what he was offering. His dick was not too big, probably similar to mine, and he was circumcised. He pointed at his dick with both of his hands and kind of gave me a smile and a gaze. “Do you want to suck it?” – He asked me and I got down to business. The whole thing turned me on so much and I could feel my own dick throbbing as hard as it ever was. My heart was pounding as well as this was all very exciting and new to me. His presence was very manly and he was quite clear on what he wanted without saying more than ten words in total. He was also my first experience in anal sex and I have to say, he was more rough than I would hope for, but it kind of did it for me, as the anal pounding was very short and he thankfully climaxed in a few minutes. It made me weirdly satisfied even though I myself did not cum. The whole experience of being nothing more than two holes for a man such as him made me realise what the whole thing was about. I was sold on it and I knew that this wouldn’t be the last time.

The more I did it, the more pleasure it brought me. Also, funny enough, the sooner I made them cum, the more gratified I have felt. 

This is my experience, and it is ongoing. I still consider myself heterosexual and my main sexual pleasures come from having sex with women. The pleasures of getting fucked by ethnic, Muslim men is more mentally pleasing. It might not make sense to you, but it works great for me. I feel no guilt, and I experience pleasure from the “shame” that comes with my encounters with men. 

For me, this text was a long time in the making, and I have finally found the clarity to express my feelings and maybe open this experience to men such as myself, who still look but don’t touch.