With the experience from yesterday I was feeling like a sexual creature. Anonymity gave me that feeling I’ve lost since the porn video came out. But it wasn’t just sexual anonymity. See, the events that I talked to you about happened a few years ago. So let’s shortly go back to the aftermath of my porn being released by Samer, just so that you could understand the narrative of what happened.
I’ve thought that the dust would settle in a few weeks after the video debacle, but it didn’t for months. As it finally began to tone down, I’ve realized that the hype was over, but still, everyone knew, and those who didn’t know, knew someone who did know. The story spread fast even when it wasn’t hyped about anymore. I was jobless, without parents and with only a few friends left in my life. And the money I had on the side became really tight. I’ve sold my car and I’ve also put my apartment for sale. Hassan was still there, as a friend, and has really been by my side through the worst time of my life. So I began to think about doing something really messed up. I mean, how much more messed up can I seem after that video? The community judged me already as it was.
So, I’ve decided to laugh in the face of bureaucracy, community and all those “ethical and moral” people who turned their looks away from mine, but still observed me like an animal while I wasn’t watching. Hassan planned to spend the evening with me, it was usually just some nice conversation followed up by dinner and some Xbox playing and laughing, but for that night I have planned something else. It wasn’t some saucy sex as you might think. I’ve had my life all planned out since I was a teen, and somehow it always laughed back at my face. So this porn as terrible as it was, was also a wake up call. Let’s burn some shit down.
As soon as he walked into the apartment, I gave him a nice, friendly, kiss and asked him to sit down at the kitchen table. I was ready.
“So Hassan, I know that we know each other for only a half of year, but since I’ve met you, you have always been there for me and asked for nothing in return. You’ve basically fed me for an entire month before I’ve finally sold my car. And you didn’t want to accept a cent from me back.” – I started.
“Uhmm, yeah, we have been through this, no need to thank me or even mention this. I know you would have done the same for me if it was the other way around.” – he said.
“Well, the thing is, and this might sound totally crazy and stupid, so I’ll totally understand if you say no… Would you like for us to get married?” – I said smiling.
“What the actual fuck? Why would we do that?” – he asked, totally shocked.
“Well imagine this: so we get married, you automatically swap your asylum status to permanent resident. And then, if I move out of this forsaken country, you can also come with me. Why waste our youth here? I have nothing that would keep me here anymore, and I also have zero perspective for a future as well if I stay here. I’m a sub-gay-porn-guy, remember? I am going to move, there is no other option for me. The only thing about it is that I can bring you with me, legally. We can fuck the system where the odds are against us. So what do you say? Hassan, will you gay-partnership-marry me?” – I asked him while getting down on one knee, just to make a spectacle out of it.
So, back to the future. I will not tell you what his answer was, but I will definitely let you know that few years fast forward the following events happen in Germany. Yep, I have moved and nobody here knew me or anything about me. And even if they did, they probably wouldn’t care.
It was a struggle, I wasn’t used to hard work, but since I didn’t speak the language I just had to do what I had to do. Still beats unemployment, I’ll tell you that. So I am working my shitty job at the restaurant and living with a roommate who is a total count. But I am loving my freedom. And I’m loving the fact that I can finally open up again, bit by bit, to the beauty of sexual indulgence. But still, I was being careful. An anonymous blowjob at the woods was risky enough, no need to overdo it, at least not so fast. Oh boy, was I in for a treat.
See, by working at a restaurant in Germany, you are almost certainly going to be one of only a few white people there, and almost certainly the only Christian person, or maybe even the only European person there. The majority are Turks and Middle Easterners, and most of the rest usually Indians, Chinese or Vietnamese people. My restaurant was exactly like this, but there were no other people except for the Turks, Afghans and Pakistanis. And since I was almost always working the late shift up to 3am, I basically worked in an all-men environment. Don’t worry, I didn’t even try to seduce these men. I couldn’t even speak to them properly since my German language knowledge was not great, and theirs wasn’t usually much better as well.
So, a couple of days after my woods encounter, I finally switch back to the good old late shift and as my shift ends, I went to the locker room and got changed into my every day clothes. While I was putting my shoes on, Hamza, an older Afghan colleague of mine, comes out of the shower/bathroom wearing nothing but a towel. He looks at me in a really funny way and he drops the towel. At the same moment I just turn my head away from him and continue to pack my bag.
“I know you like this.” – he said.
Instantly I literally felt mixed feelings of fear, shame, anger and heavy arousal at the same time. I was sure that my porn video somehow got to him. And to be honest I wasn’t sure if I was going to get beat up by him, verbally shamed, or something like that, because this guy was actually known for being a pious Muslim man, well in his 40’s, doing his daily prayers, was also married to an Afghan woman and had a child. Don’t get me wrong, he was definitely hot, I noticed him ever since I started to work at the restaurant. I guess he would be best described as a hairy daddy, a highly attractive older guy. But I didn’t want to look at him because I had such bad luck so I just decided to awkwardly ignore him and as I packed my stuff up and went towards the doors, passing him along the way, he smirkingly chuckled.
Walking home from work was a bizarre experience. I was still both shocked and turned on by what happened, but in a way I was turning around all the time to see if he’s following me with a knife or some weird head bashing tool to show me what pious men like him do to gays in his country. Luckily he was not there. Maybe a weird, kinky, crazy person in me wanted him to follow me. Not to beat me up of course.
So as I came home, I reflected on the situation and I figured that there is no possible way for him to find my video online. That guy was still using an old Nokia phone. Internet was not very known to him, I’d presume. Maybe he just picked my gay vibe, maybe I’m too feminine and it shows. It bothered me, because I didn’t know what was going on, and strange anxiety was growing in me as well as at the same time my brain developed some really hot and sexy stories about Hafiz being totally into me. I’ll tell you, that night I had such a good orgasm, just thinking about him shirtless. And I was sorry that I didn’t take a closer look at what was hiding behind that towel.
However, the next morning I had a whatsapp message on my phone from an unknown number. It said: “Sorry for how Hamza reacted, we usually share our sexual experience stories. I didn’t think he would tell you about it. Maybe now you know who I am? See you at work.”
I remember asking myself how did I get myself involved in some bullshit again… All I ever wanted was to suck a Muslim dick and avoid it being a big deal. I knew Hamza was absolutely well informed about my sexual experience. But by whom?